muneraven (muneraven) wrote,

Life has been running rough: Change the sparkplugs

I am trying to adjust to an empty nest and a NEW nest.  After ten years of managing a step-kid with Asperger's and bipolar and other issues, the young man has gone to live with his bio-dad.  Is this the best thing for the kid?  Not likely, since bio-dad is a wife-beating, kid-punching mess wrapped in a cloak of fundamentalist Christian-college-dean-righteousness.  However, the "boy" is18 and taller than me and has been trying to kill me or himself on and off for years so, yanno, I figure it is someone else's turn to deal with butcher knives pointed in their direction.  And bio-dad wanted to take him in and remains convinced that bio-mom and I are the root of all evil.  Truth be told, I pity them both.  And yet I am happy to be slowly getting over the PTSD symptoms of living with a kid who sneaks up on me with weapons. 

It is hard for any parent when the last kid leaves.  When you have functioned as a major part of that kid's brain for many years?  I am slowly coming to realize that I now have brain space available that I did not have for years.  I think I thought my brain had just gotten smaller, lol, but lo:  Part of it was just sublet out to a kid who really needed it.  This is a little like discovering a big, secret room in the house you've always lived in.  Kind of cool.  Kind of spooky because I wonder how I didn't see it for so long.

And of course there are ghosts.

SO today, for the first time in a long time, I noticed my brain doing what it used to do a long time ago.  Tricksters, said my brain.  Tricksters and archetypes.  Tricksters and masquerades . . .masks. . . . Carnivalesque.  Theater.  Trickster gods with two faces.  And hey, that means that the bit-part actors in the middle of your rough draft have something to do with the goddess who is problematic and the magic that is problematic and . . . hey . . .

Also:  Magic always has a cost.  Heroes always pay the price.  Are tricksters ever heroes or do they have to transform to be heroes?  Because tricksters generally like to leave the tab for someone else to pay, right?

SO, anyway, this may mean nothing to anyone besides meself, but it was nice.  To have room in my brain to play:  Nice.  And after a stroke, Lyme's, and fibromyalgia . . .well.  I mean, I was worried that I couldn't ask the questions anymore.  But I can.

As for the nest:  Of course I still worry about my adult step-kids.  Both of them.  Because I love them.  But after only a month I am starting to see that the nest isn't actually going to be empty for long; I still have the stuff to fill it up.

In other, unrelated news:  Brunson the puppy is six months old and continues to most resemble his mother the purebred Belgian Malinois.  His ears, however, are the shape of his Briard ancestor, and his eyes are small and that's where you can see the mastiff/bull terrier influence.  But don't ask ME where he got the long wing-y hair on his butt, lol.  Yes, I am worried that he will turn out looking like a Belgian Mal with a Briard butt.  I'll love him anyway.

And now, to try to catch up on the lives of people I am fond of via Livejournal.
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